How do I choose a Therapist?

Are you the right one?

How do I choose a therapist? This is a common question. How do you pick the person that you're going to open your wounds and spill your guts out? A person that you will establish a close relationship with?

After talking to some of my clients I've heard some factors that stick out as important in choosing: 1. How quickly the potential therapist responds to their inquiry. In such a technically accessible and convenient world, most clients feel a response in less than 24 hours is warranted; whether it's by text, email, Facebook, phone, etc. The quicker the better.

2. Google! Staying on the technical subject, many clients have reported doing Internet searches to see who comes up in their area. Thanks to www.psychologytoday.com, clients can look for therapists specifically in their area and also see the profiles of therapists and how and what population they work with. Many clients say they have an idea of how the therapist might be just by reading profiles or looking at their personal websites.

3. Friend or Family Recommendations This can be tricky for therapists because of confidentiality, however some clients report that they've sought out therapists based on a personal recommendation. The therapist can never confirm this, but the family or friend that comes in may have more confidence in the process knowing someone close to them is being helped.

4. The Very First In Person Meeting! This is the scary part. There is a consensus with clients, that they really make their final decision after the first meeting. Most clients say they "know" immediately after this first meeting their comfort level and whether they'll continue or not. You may be wondering why Experience is not one of the four listed? This factor does come up and has been asked: "How many years have you been in practice?" or "How long have you been working with couples?" Ultimately after meeting with the individual, if it is determined we're on the "same page" with treatment plan and goals, we can work together to gain distance from their problems, and the years of experience requirement becomes less of a priority.

In Veritas Libertas -Heather Cotsenmoyer, MA, MFT

Roles in Relationships

What is your role in a relationship?

Most of the time we take on multiple roles. For example: wife, mother, friend, etc. These roles can and must change in a split second according to life's demands, and healthy relationships come down to how we maneuver through these roles. 

Roles navigate us through daily living by "requiring" certain specificity when we commit to them. As a therapist, I see the strain on the relationships where a role has been taken on inappropriately. The best way to describe this is to use myself as an example. In a therapy session, I take on the obvious therapist role; this requires professionalism, collaboration, and empathy for my client. I never want to switch over to the "Friend" role with any of my clients because this can cause confusion and cross boundaries. A person would not be coming to a professional for help if they could just get what they "needed" from a friend.  A client may not always have immediate access to me as their "Therapist" as they would a "Friend". This is not a limitation, in fact is an important part of the therapist client relationship. It empowers the client to independently think through and process the situation and then be able to come back and collaborate ideas at their next session. 

In couples therapy I hear about inappropriate "self-assignment" of roles and sometimes have had it modeled in session as well. There are times when instead of working together for example as husband and wife on an issue, there is husband and mother, or husband and child working against each other. This often time happens when there is Emotions in the room, and there is no real hearing of the other person any more.

This is not to imply that we must always be and act a certain way, it is merely a suggestion to be more aware of oneself. How do you interact in your relationships, and how do you allow your relationships to interact with you? 

The Truth Shall Set You Free......

In doing work with couples, the issue of infidelity unfortunately comes up quite often. Fortunately, I have been privileged to witness relationships heal and move forward stronger. I am not trying to fool anyone, this is an arduous process with many facets. 

When looking at the statistics, for heterosexual couples, it is close to 50/50 (husband/wife) on who has the affair. And a common misconception of the word "affair" is that is always sexual. While this does happen at a higher percentage, in our digital age there is sexting, online chat, Facebook, etc. 

The person who has had their trust broken can mirror a grieving person that has lost a close love one. A way to understand this process is to become familiar with the Kubler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief. The stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These usually never go completely in order, and will cycle back and forth between stages. 

The person who has broken the trust can also go through the above stages, but it all depends on what he or she decides is their "agenda" for their relationship. Most of the couples I've worked with have an "agenda" of repairing their relationship and the unfaithful partner ultimately does not want to leave their relationship for their paramour. 

As scary as telling the truth to your partner may seem, it can set you free from the unrealistic "smoke and mirror" world you've been in. 

If you are having trouble in your relationship or need support to "come clean" to your partner. Please contact me to schedule an appointment. 

Heather Cotsenmoyer, MFTI